Oddities of Peacetime
by midsummerghostt
Summary: The daily life of the Fairy Tail Guild was so carefree and lighthearted before Trollshima slowly began to break our hearts. Meant for a bit of light laughter during these dark times.
1. you're so whipped

Cana Alberona was having a wonderful day.

The sun was shining, the guild was somewhat peaceful, and she'd managed to swipe the best bottle of wine from the locked cupboard that Master thought nobody knew about after taking an easy mission that paid handsomely.

Talk about a fine day indeed.

But while she was already content, something that she couldn't place was missing. If only-

Suddenly, as if he came from nowhere, Natsu was thrown into the side of the bar, right next to her seat.

That's what she was missing. Entertainment. She really wanted to have some _fun_.

She knew what could make her day a million times better, and as she gazed upon his grinning face, she knew exactly which cards she had to play in order to get what she wanted. She smirked mischievously as she took a swig from her bottle.

It was time for Phase One of her master plan.

"Hey Natsu! I've got -hic- an important question for you!" she drawled out, acting upon the pretense that she was drunk.

"Not right now, Cana!" he loudly yelled as he got up off of the floor, "I've gotta knock some sense into Ice Princess over there, since he's too frozen to think on his own!"

From across the room, a loud voice belonging to said ice mage replied "What'd you just say 'bout me, pyro? Are you trying to make me punch you? Oh, wait I shouldn't, you probably couldn't handle it anyway!"

"Oh yeah? Are you sure about that, popsicle no-pants? Or, should I call you popsicle snow-pants?" he yelled back, while lighting his fists on fire.

Cana tried again "Ne, but Natsu... my question's about Lucy! It'll only take a minute, promise!"

This time the boy turned his head, saying "Well, Lucy is more important than stripper over there, so I can put off his lesson for a bit. What's the matter? Is she okay?"

Bingo.

Time for Phase 2.

She slumped over the bar, hopefully pulling off her best drunken act. "No, no, Lucy's okay. I just have a question about her, and since you two are _so close_ I thought you might know the answer-"

"Is it about what color her panties are? 'Cause somebody asked earlier and I don't really remember..." he said hurriedly as his eyes jumped over in Gray' direction. Cana realized that she was losing him, so she needed to pull out Phase 3.

"Is Lucy any good with her whip?" the card mage asked as the boy fully turned to face her, a questioning look upon his face.

"Yeah, she handles it like a pro. Why? Do you want to learn how to use one?"

She smiled even wider.

"Oh, no important reason. I just wanted to know if she's good with it in bed."

"Huh? I know that she uses a whip was for fighting, but how would she use it in the bed, Cana? Wouldn't it just get tangled in the bed sheets?" her poor victim innocently questioned.

"Beats me, but I bet Lucy knows the answer. Why don't you ask her when she gets here?" she said before taking another swig of her precious-

As if speaking of the devil, the celestial mage walked into the guildhall only moments later. Cana grinned giddily; she had just set up a wonderful show and it would all play out right in front of her, just like her fortune-telling cards.

"Go ask her now, Natsu! And make sure you get an answer! I really wanna know!"

"HEY LUCY!" the boy yelled as he ran over to her "ARE YOU GOOD WITH A WHIP IN BED?"

Not to mention that everyone in the guild was staring at Natsu like he'd grown another head, but that wasn't where the show was centered. No, Cana's entertainment for today came in the form of Lucy's reaction.

The said girl who had been walking towards the yelling boy realized the true implications of his otherwise innocent question, stopped mid-stride and turned beet red. She promptly turned around and ran straight out the doors she had just entered from.

Cana had definitely won her little game.

"wha… LUCE, WHAT'S THE MATTER? WHY ARE YOU LEAVIN- HEY! WAIT UP!"

Cana chuckled evilly as she downed the last of what was in the bottle.

Ah, what a wonderful day it was indeed.


	2. (don't) protect natu's innocence

Natsu Dragneel never deserved any of this.

Sure, he was destructive, rude, and a bit of a noisy eater, but he wasn't a bad person. He never deserved any of what happened today at the guild.

All he did was ask a measly question. As for the simple answer that he would have received, he didn't even care that much about.

Why? Why would he bring this upon himself?

...

"Hey, Ice-stripper! What happened yesterday? You weren't answering any of my lacrima calls, I thought you died or something." Natsu yelled out from across the guild.

Erza's questioning gaze snapped to the said person as she sat down next to her friend.

'I might as well have' the Ice-Mage internally sighed, responding, "I was too busy getting it on last night, Juvia can be a real tsundere sometimes, let me tell you."

"Tsundere?" Natsu asked in confusion having just sat down next to them, "What's that?"

There was a long, awkward pause between the other two at the table.

"You have a lot to learn, Ash-for-Brains. "

Erza stared down the pink-haired mage straight in the eye.

"I agree with him, Natsu. We've protected you for too long."

Erza's newest victim -hem, I mean- project quietly whimpered in horror as he slowly realized what was about to happen to him.

"What she said... no wait, I didn't mean that!" Gray cried out, panic etched onto his face.

"Gray, go get Levy and ask her for those books. It's time." The woman demanded with a strange sparkle in her eye.

"Its time Natsu learned about the miracle of creating life."

"..."

"Why are you looking at me like that, Gray?" the serious redhead questioned.

Gray leaned back into his chair. While he wasn't particularly fond of the fire ass, he didn't have the heart to offer him up as Erza's sacrificial lamb.

"Are you sure? I mean, he's Natsu. Even if you do it in front of him, he'd still probably not get it."

"Are you defying me, Gray?" she said ominously, as she whipped her head around to face him head on.

"Nnn..no, I'm just saying the only options are the books or a certain blonde on aphrodisiacs. Don't you think experience is valuable?"

"Why not both?" she countered. "Do you think that would suffice?"

"Fifty shades of flames..." Mira murmured from behind them, "I'll prepare a room."

"Wait, Erza! You probably should go get the Master's opinion- WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT FOR?!"

x

During this and back and forth insanity, Natsu slowly crept his way out of the guild hall, trying not to get the attention of any of his crazy family before they tried anything freaky. The last time they acted like this was when he walked into the guild totally naked one day after he accidentally burned all of his clothes to a crisp.

That time, Erza gave him a good beating for something like "besmirching the girls' innocent virtue" or something like that.

He didn't really get what the big freak-out about it was; he was just naked, it wasn't like it was the end of the world. Plus, stripper was in his boxers practically all the time and he didn't get beaten half to death everyday. After he'd bandaged himself up, Macao and Wakaba dragged him over to their area of the guild, or as Happy liked to put it, the "perving" table. The older men uncomfortably tried to explain to the boy that while his nakama was his family and that secrets could be shared, there were just some things that needed to be kept private.

Literally.

x

But that was besides the fact, he REALLY needed to get out as soon as physically possible. He crawled slowly to the door, relying solely on his incredible ninja skills.

"NATSU, WHERE THE SEVEN HELLS DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?" the she-demon's voice howled from the other side of the guild.

Fuck the ninja shit.

He was never good at it anyway.


End file.
